I ride. Ahead. We pass some lands. Farms are lit up by the glittering sun. We are the sun chasers. The train jerks at instants but the regular flow never stops. We keep going. Ahead. The sun skips through the branches of the trees. For a moment it is hidden but soon comes out of hiding in an instant. Tired lids, but how can one surpass such beauty. The brightness hurts the eyes, but all you want to do is capture the moment glancing back at the sun after the eyes are adjusted. When I sat down to write this. I thought who is going to read this? I thought not many. But people do judge. And I often hope that people that I know don’t read this. Truly, I don’t think that one can really express himself/herself with the slight fear of judged for their writing. That goes for everything actually. We are so scared of what others are going to think of us that it is truly ridiculous. On tumblr I like to write by the stream of consciousness. Thoughts are always passing and may never be regained. You know who also wrote by the stream of consciousness and was quite successful? - James Joyce! Incredible writer. Anyways, thoughts on riding the train is my primary topic for today. I woke up with a foggy mind. I often have the urge to watch Before Sunrise (3 part series of amazing films that actually make you think!) They are just brilliant! With Ludovico Einaudi playing in the background I will comment on the surrounding. It is quite like that from my favorite film mentioned above. Except I am heading from Lynchburg to Philly. The film takes place in Europe - Paris/Vienna kind of city. Gorgeous! I am sitting at the food table. There lays a black hair on the table. Gross. I don’t know how often they clean these amtrak trains. I know that my thoughts may sound scattered and inconsistent, but I will write what I want. So I wait. I watch the sun skip through the trees and return to my thoughts. Riding a train is an amazing experience. It is freeing and you have a lot of time to reflect on life and yourself. I think that writers spend a lot of time on trains. I find it so poetic and romantic. Ha cliche. Maybe I am just taking about travelers. Those who explore and ride all over the world. They are free spirited and free minded people. I want to be one of them someday. I find the people on American trains somewhat anti-social or I guess one has to approach them first kind of deal. There is no real sense of community. I think people like to stay in their comfort zone way too much. I’ve been reading some articles about how Russia is now saying goodbye to the plazcart. I used to ride those all the time when we were traveling from Moscow, Russia to Sevastopol, Ukraine every summer. Those were the best of times! Now I really appreciate the times I got to spend on those trains in Russia. Those were the days of lively childhood. The days of community. Some great times were had on those trains. I remember the food being so good. We ate nice Russian chicken legs, just sitting around the table and having a grand old time. Plazcart consisted of 2 bunks across each other and a window bunk next to the walking alley of the cart. I remember one time a kid climbed up into the 3rd floor (part) of the bed, which is not a bed, but is used for storage. It is pretty high up. Haha so he was just laying there and then he fell. It was so funny, but he was hurt and had to sleep the whole day (on the first bunk this time). Poor guy. Many great things happened on those trains. I remember how I used to be afraid of falling into the big gap between the platform and the train. I was a fearless gal back in the say but that thought gave me anxiety. It’s hard to see the plazcart go even though I haven’t ridden one in over 10 years. I guess there is just something more personal to it when one has experienced it. It’s a childhood memory. It’s part of my past. Russia is becoming more Western each day and I don’t know if that is a good thing or now (I don’t mean in politics). I wish they would stick to their roots. There is so much history and passion in my beloved country. I feel like I am losing a part of myself. The world is changing. We are growing up. Too fast. And I just want to hold on to time. For me growing older is a fear. I loved the days of childhood. It seems as if it was just yesterday, but yet it was ten years ago. I’ve developed, learned and grew. I don’t know who I’m becoming but I know what I want to be. Thoughts of losing youth make me want to cry, but I guess there is no point in that for that is time wasted. Logic. I just want to experience the freedom in being a kid again. Those were the best of times! Can I get an Amen? Now more miles have passed. Just as more time has passed. I grew up a little bit older since the beginning of this post. We are approaching the North. Snow is on the ground. I feel excited. Snow awakes that sense of freedom. It brings back memories of Childhood in Mother Russia. It’s lovely. Simple. White. Pure. It’s exciting! I am joyful. But the wheels keep turning. We are rolling. Rolling. Ahead.
December 11, 2013
I’m ready to quit school. What’s next? Do we even know where we are going? We only have passions and aspirations for the places we long to go, but do we ever reach them? I don’t know. I sure hope so, because I am ready to run from this empty town. With busy minds we cannot escape what is before us, but we long to break free from this commotion and long to fly, fly far far away. Please take me away.
December 3, 2013